Started this not too long ago. The premise of the book sounded interesting ( anything gaming related in novel format, I'll tend to at least try ), but a few things keep slowing me down.
First and foremost: flipping from inside one character's head, to a different one, in a single paragraph makes me re-read the entire paragraph, just to make sure I'm not mistaking one character for another.
It's still early in the book, so this might not matter later on, but right now the voices of the two in question aren't different enough to stand out when flipping "perspectives" ( despite third person past tense format. )
The only other complaint I have thus far is that some of the sentence structure isn't wrong, grammar wise, but it doesn't flow -- it's almost jarring, if that makes sense.